Postdepressionism

January 18, 2009 § Leave a comment

Feeling blank and sleepy, recovering from a bad week. Philip is soaking his bulgy infected finger and swearing at the TV; I’m thinking about Laura in Iowa, taking care of a sick mother; Gina in Woodstock, recovering, I hope, from her depression; and my mother in California, who is beginning to be seriously scared about money, which is hard to face for the first time in your life at 84. And, of course, Obama, who looked so fine today, so calm and handsome, though cold. I wanted to give him a hat.  He told us all to make change in our own lives, and I had a ghostly idea of community, which is something I’ve always been coy about. Community, great, but only with the right people, and where are they, anyway? The odd pleasure of bad times is how people reach out and you realize you’re not quite as selfish as you thought you were, and neither is anybody else. At least that’s been my experience. What’s also interesting is that even before this reaching out had happened, back in October, people were anticipating it, talking about solidarity in the Great Depression, weirdly excited. I don’t know if this will last. I’m not expecting wholesale spiritual development. I’m hoping for my own, since the alternative is last week, clenched in a pain that didn’t want to move, that wanted to grieve, unmoving, grieving beyond grief—or else explode in rage, determined to rip love apart. I won’t allow it. And Philip won’t allow it, and Charles won’t, and that’s how we know each other best, by what we value more than our wounds. Of course, some call it co-dependence. When I was at boarding school, they made a big deal out of the three C’s–Cooperation, Community, Communication. I made fun of of it, sarcasm being my default mode. I still have trouble with committes and their C’s. So I’ll stick to the one I’ve earned, co-dependence. The world is a net of needs. It holds.

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